Who Wants To Use The NBN?

[We open in the studio for the new hit gameshow Who Wants To Use The NBN?]

HOST: And joining us tonight on Who Wants To Use The NBN? is our carry-over champion, Alan. Thanks to this broadband nirvana we now inhabit, Alan will be joining us via High Definition video link. Good evening, and welcome to the show.

ALAN: It’s great to be here.

HOST: Pardon, we didn’t quite catch that.

ALAN: I said it’s great to be here.

HOST: Excellent. Let’s get right to it.

ALAN: Why would I stew it?

HOST: Pardon? I said we should get to it.

ALAN: Right sorry! I’m on Optus cable, you see. Barely works half the time. Can’t wait until I get the NBN.

HOST: Yes, well… Actually, on that note. Question one: How much did NBN Co pay Optus for its cable network?

ALAN: [laughs] Um, well it can’t have been much. Fifty bucks?

HOST: Incorrect. The answer is 800 million.

ALAN: Dollars?!

HOST: Correct. Question two: what official reason did NBN Co give for buying Optus’ HFC network?

ALAN: To exhibit in their museum?

HOST: Incorrect. Their stated aim was to 'leverage existing infrastructure to obviate the need for further fibre deployment'. 

ALAN: Is that a joke?

HOST: As a bonus question, what was the actual reason NBN Co bought Optus’ cable network?

ALAN: I have no idea.

HOST: Correct. Question three: Having now audited the Optus HFC network, what has NBN Co discovered?

ALAN: Sorry, I didn’t catch any of that. My internet's not working very well.

HOST: Correct.

[Screen goes blank. Minutes pass.]

ALAN: Alright I’m back!

HOST: Welcome back. Question Four: How much will it cost to replace the Optus HFC network?

ALAN: Well, what are they replacing it with? Fibre, I assume?

HOST: Probably incorrect. Most likely more cable.

ALAN: You’re kidding me.

HOST: Incorrect. The actual figure is between $175 and $600 million.

ALAN: That’s a pretty broad range. I didn’t realise answers could be that vague.

HOST: Your answers can’t. Only NBN Co’s can.

ALAN: [sadly] Oh.

HOST: Question Five: How many customers will this affect?

ALAN: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?

HOST: How many customers will this affect?

ALAN: Well, there’s me. And Beryl at No.43 is with Optus, I think. And Gary at bowls… I’ll say, five?

HOST: Incorrect. The answer is 470,000.

ALAN: What?

HOST: You didn’t hear that?

ALAN: No, I did. I just couldn't believe that….

[video link goes dead. Several minutes pass.]

ALAN: Back again! How am I doing?

HOST: Quite badly, it seems. Although your video feed now looks far better. Did your Optus cable come good?

ALAN: Oh, god no. I gave up on it, and just tethered my phone. This is 4G.

HOST: So you're saying mobile broadband is better?

ALAN: No, I would never say that. I’m not Alan Jones.

HOST: But it seems to be running pretty well.

ALAN: Oh yes, it works perfectly w… Damn.

HOST: What?

ALAN: I’m out of data.

HOST: Correct.