[We open in the studio for the new hit gameshow Who Wants To Use The NBN?]
HOST: And joining us tonight on Who Wants To Use The NBN? is our carry-over champion, Alan. Thanks to this broadband nirvana we now inhabit, Alan will be joining us via High Definition video link. Good evening, and welcome to the show.
ALAN: It’s great to be here.
HOST: Pardon, we didn’t quite catch that.
ALAN: I said it’s great to be here.
HOST: Excellent. Let’s get right to it.
ALAN: Why would I stew it?
HOST: Pardon? I said we should get to it.
ALAN: Right sorry! I’m on Optus cable, you see. Barely works half the time. Can’t wait until I get the NBN.
HOST: Yes, well… Actually, on that note. Question one: How much did NBN Co pay Optus for its cable network?
ALAN: [laughs] Um, well it can’t have been much. Fifty bucks?
HOST: Incorrect. The answer is 800 million.
HOST: Correct. Question two: what official reason did NBN Co give for buying Optus’ HFC network?
ALAN: To exhibit in their museum?
HOST: Incorrect. Their stated aim was to 'leverage existing infrastructure to obviate the need for further fibre deployment'.
ALAN: Is that a joke?
HOST: As a bonus question, what was the actual reason NBN Co bought Optus’ cable network?
ALAN: I have no idea.
HOST: Correct. Question three: Having now audited the Optus HFC network, what has NBN Co discovered?
ALAN: Sorry, I didn’t catch any of that. My internet's not working very well.
[Screen goes blank. Minutes pass.]
ALAN: Alright I’m back!
HOST: Welcome back. Question Four: How much will it cost to replace the Optus HFC network?
ALAN: Well, what are they replacing it with? Fibre, I assume?
HOST: Probably incorrect. Most likely more cable.
ALAN: You’re kidding me.
HOST: Incorrect. The actual figure is between $175 and $600 million.
ALAN: That’s a pretty broad range. I didn’t realise answers could be that vague.
HOST: Your answers can’t. Only NBN Co’s can.
ALAN: [sadly] Oh.
HOST: Question Five: How many customers will this affect?
ALAN: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?
HOST: How many customers will this affect?
ALAN: Well, there’s me. And Beryl at No.43 is with Optus, I think. And Gary at bowls… I’ll say, five?
HOST: Incorrect. The answer is 470,000.
HOST: You didn’t hear that?
ALAN: No, I did. I just couldn't believe that….
[video link goes dead. Several minutes pass.]
ALAN: Back again! How am I doing?
HOST: Quite badly, it seems. Although your video feed now looks far better. Did your Optus cable come good?
ALAN: Oh, god no. I gave up on it, and just tethered my phone. This is 4G.
HOST: So you're saying mobile broadband is better?
ALAN: No, I would never say that. I’m not Alan Jones.
HOST: But it seems to be running pretty well.
ALAN: Oh yes, it works perfectly w… Damn.
ALAN: I’m out of data.